The many states of Mar

I didn’t end up writing yesterday cause I am having a tough time. I am detoxing from alcohol in a house full of booze and a consistant drinker. My wife does not have a drinking problem, but it wasn’t until last night she realized she is married to an alcoholic, we have been together for 7 years. That was a hard hit yesterday, I felt like shit having to try and explain to her what I am going through. And my roommate is 21 living in her own place getting over a bad break-up. So you know how the mentally ill and spiritually charged need routine and consistancy, yea I haven’t had that for a while now. I don’t think I really have ever had it. But this is the reason I disassociatate so badly. If I could Monday-Friday have the exact same routine as boring as it may sound I would be the happiest person ever. If I had quiet 95% of my day I would be in the most peaceful state. I really do hate that this is something I desperately want and need because we are just not there in life. I’m almost 30 and not where I want to be in a lot of aspects in my life. All these things makes my head jump ship into a state that I just go. Auto-pilot I guess you can say, I stop feeling, the thinking stays in my head and I barely talk. I do what I need try to give my dogs and wife what they need and ask for and the rest is blank to everyone but the many voices in my head. I am in therapy don’t get me wrong and it is helping me a lot but being over emotional is something I am starting to feel will never be comfortable to me. When I lose it and get to that crying afraid of the world can’t handle my life state and who ever I end up trying to be comforted from, if they don’t give me the reaction I was hoping for GAME OVER! My head automatically shuts off the emotions and I compose myself and just fucking carry on like nothing happened. This has been me for as long as I can remember, and honestly I don’t think any therapy or spiritual awakening is going to change that but might make it less harmful for well my wife. She is the only one that I care about how it affectts but then I stop thinking about me and its a pretty tough cycle. So far a consistent 3 sides unless I start to really get quiet and try to hear then I get about 4 different voices talking to me. All with very different perspectives on situations, they are the COUNCIL. I heard that somewhere about how all the voices in your head we call the council and I fucking fell in love with that. Felt too right for me!
Blessed be motherfuckers!

Published by La brujita Marii

A little witchy, a little bitchy. Married to the human that makes my soul complete. On a journey to self-actualization which leads me to have a lot to say. Fur mom to 2 big shepards boys and a itty bitty fiesty kitty. Working towards a career that with fulfill the purpose I was put on this world for. The rest you find out as you read. Blessed be motherfuckers!

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