So today was like one of those days that didn’t feel overly bad but didn’t feel overly great. My poor love is having a tough reaction to the Covid shot so he stayed home today so of course then I automatically am worrying about him constantly. He is doing a bit better now but still not great. Lea and I have very big energy and both absorb pretty easily and quickly. So whatever we may be feeling we kind of share to an extent. My job is pretty stressful, like the position itself is exhausting but I have always been in this line of work at least for 10 years. I like the people I work with for the most part but I don’t really connect or bond with anyone I work closely with. I play it off like it ain’t not thang but its energy draining being around them. And the one guy I actually am building a pretty awesome friendship with works a very different job so I can’t just work and chill with him so we talk once in a while. So even though I like parts of my job, its really hard to have a work-home life balance as a dispatcher for a smaller business. So this week I am on call and I fucking dread it. Every time it went from being once a month, to every third week to now its about to be every other week cause of staff. So I am just doing the best I can to push through and manage it until I can figure out what my end game is. I also am studying specifically for this reason; so I am in that “I want what I am working hard for to happen now because I am exhausted” mindset. But know that I have a bit to go yet until I get there. So its super internally conflicting which you will see to be a pattern here LOL but that exhaustion really stresses me out. Like we are surrounded by a world that tells you, you need to accomplish big things, be humble, show off and enjoy, be healthy, have an amazing family, have a great social group etc. Im like okay honey…are you serious?! But deep down inside thats what I want. So I stress myself the fuck out but having my head go in this cycle and I accomplish nothing. Well the reason I am using this blog as an outlet is because I want it to work this time. I want to say I did it! So I am letting out whatever I need here. Like Lea and I are super close to being out of our consumer proposal which is a debt that is tied to my father. So this opens up doors again for us and we just need to be smart about it. Which is so much easier said then done, but I am manifesting all the right energy in the lessons we have learned over the years and believe we are in a proper mindset to follow through this time. Also Lea is about to embark in some serious changes which I won’t bring to light yet but this is also going to make waves in our future. So stress can kill you is all I keep getting told. And I believe it, no doubt! But I still haven’t figured out how to do it all and not feel like I am losing my mind. I am getting better at it, working on my spirituality and mental health really does open up opportunities to see and think about things in a new light. So today was a day I wanted to tell to fuck off but I made right! So to anyone that may need to read this; DON’T BE TOO PROUD TO GET THE HELP. IT IS NOT A WEAKNESS AS STRENGTH IS WHAT YOU WILL GAIN WHEN YOU COME OUT ON THE OTHER SIDE.
Blessed be motherfuckers✌