Accomplishments I tell yea!

Well I didn’t think I would, I mean I am pretty sure I told myself I wouldn’t either but today marks 30 days sober! Now I have cold turkey stopped drinking a few times and the longest period I went without alcohol is 3 months I believe. So all things say it would be okay. Well this time I was isolation for testing postive for COVID, had a friend who does not live in our home have to isolate with us, and had my roommate getting drunk daily while I was trying to get clean. I mean my husband has even been drinking beer around, yes I have non-alcoholic beer to mask it for me but that only works so much. My mind is not naive at all and tricking myself is not a something I can do. So for the first time I did this one alone, I mean other then therapy. Do I have a little resent for not having the support I wanted, YES but its also not anyone’s fault because I did not ask to not have alcohol in the house. I assumed that they would just be more considerate and that is my biggest downfall. But either way I made it all on my own! I have been sticking to therapy even though I don’t have anyone to talk about my therapy too. Now I am not saying this to make it sound like my husband isn’t supportive. He is to the best he can be, he is going through so much with his transition and work, and family and friends and I mean how shitty of a wife would I be to make things about me. Yes you are suppsed to me able to share the support when you need, I just don’t think we know how to so its a bit of a learning curve still. So being sober is a bit of a bitter sweet, when I started therapy my goal was 3 months, I needed to prove to myself that for 3 months I can be clean, sober up, and have a non clouded brain. But I am starting to see the bigger picture, I have done 3 months before…so will I actually make any progress if I drink after 3 months. Will this torture and sadness and lonliness be worth if it if start to drink after 3 months. Probably not! I post on social media about my journey with the hopes that all the nice comments people will say will make it easier…I was wrong. Words are awesome, and facebook is great but I am starting to hold less and less weight on them because actions speak louder then words. Actions are what I am starting to watch and see how they affect me. After all my hard work in school, and trying to communicate with my dad and my husband and it just not being easy and half the time doesn’t make me feel better or doesn’t make a difference and that includes myself kinda has discouraged me in communication. I believe communication is key…but why doesn’t it work all the time? Thats where my head and my heart fight and I cry…life has just been pretty hard and I just want it to be easier. I have put my energy into the things that I want and i have manifested and journalled and did what I believe will give me this sense of satisfaction in my accomplishments and I don’t feel that way. I never feel like I can be my true self because of how people react around me to it…so I end up being more comfortable alone. Which sucks cause I don’t wanna be alone from my husband but my husband is a social person and so I either feel like I am holding him back or I just feel like the odd one out. Its a shitty processing for sure but it just seems to be how things play out. How do I change that? How do I just be happy with being me when being me pushes people away. In one breath I get told that I am allowed to be who I am and that it doesn’t matter because the ones that love me won’t care. But when I am me, and believe it or not I am okay being me now, its not what people expect so they drift away. Am I really that different so am I just mentally ill enough that I can’t do this alone. I say alone without meds. I stopped anti-depressants and mood stabilizers and anti anxiety meds to build the strength to understand who I am. I mean its working in the sense that I am being more active and getting clean and caring about mature things. But I still feel super alone and not like it…so my own contradicitons make me feel like I do need the help and should be medicated. I guess that will be a conversation I have with my therapist cause I don’t have that answer. With what i have learned I know there is people in the world that can’t live unmedicated, and I so them so much support but everytime I talke to my husband about going back on meds. Its the same conversation “well are you sure, going back and forth isn’t good. You need to stick with it this time” So it doesn’t give me the whole, yea know this shit is hard so go for it and I support either way. But i think with wanting to stay clean permanently and trying to love myself enough that everyone can affect me, I won’t be able to do it alone. Decemeber broke me and instead of feeling sorry for myself I just need to accept that this kinda help is okay. So congrats to me for being sober for 30 days! and here is to the rest of my life…some way some how❤
Blessed be motherfuckers✌

Published by Marii

Hey hey hey! I am a Bruja (Hispanic witch healer), a certified Intuitive Life Coach, and a online network marketer. I am married to the love of my life, we are both large advocates in the LGBTQ+ community as he is a transman and I identify as a pansexual. I promote an spread mental health awareness; from the knowledge I gained in my studies, as well as, my personal life experiences! I am an open book with a lot to say, so lets connect. Stay blessed!

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