I may or may not have talked about this one already but its a constant for me and no I don’t think I am ugly. Haha I know how good looking I am thankfully 😉 I mean my internal ugliness. I always make the joke that Lee is the nice one and I am the mean one…there is no lie to that.
I can remember as far back as junior trying to explain myself on this topic, its hard because people expect so many specific reactions from you and I never give them what they expect. My natural train of thought and instinct is so not take into consideration other people or how I will affect other people with what I say or do. That leads to people just thinking youre rude or mean or whatever. So I have come to just accept. I am a diagnosed funtional sociopath, so I mean the fact that I don’t live a life of crime and I am not in jail is a fucking miracle but no one wants to see that!! I like to meet new peopple but I am very weary as to how I treat them. I treat people based on the energy and or intention I can see in them, now not many people know what that means or just think I am a judgemental bitch. I am not, I judge in silence just like most but I just don’t hide what I see to not hurt someones feelings. I have feelings, people hurt them all the time, I am mentally ill and they still hurt them all the time, so i just don’t care the feeling of sympathy. The things I hold weight on and care about are not really the normal apparently. So i have a handful of friends that I can talk to about stuff like this, my therapy helps me a lot but doesn’t help me with this. Probably because I don’t wanna be helped…I don’t need to be helped…I just need to figure out where I fit in this new world thats building around me. My coldness, my harshness, my darkness is something that I love about myself, no everyone does and many hate it but I am starting to care less and less. I am starting to find people that don’t make me feel like a terrible person and that push me to be more of who I wanna be. Fuck I am only turning 30 and finally getting to this but better late then never. The more and more I talk about it the better I feel about my ugliness and soon I am sure I will see it as a beauty within me. Because life isn’t sunshine and rainbows, so my black soul will fit in somewhere.
Blessed be motherfuckers✌