I’m baaaccckkkkk

Hey hey hey fam jam! Yes I have been MIA for 2 months and well it was because there was a lot of changes and a lot of things that well I didn’t know how were going to end. So like I usually have always done I kinda went on a mental health bender. So let me explain what I mean about that, I self-sabotage to a very extreme extent and fall back into old darker habits and then all the progress I have made kinda just like runs away for a while. NOW before it wouldn’t come back the same, like I would come up with a new solution as to why I continue this behaviour. This time I have realized that its a part of who I am, WELCOME TO BORDER LINE PERSONALITY DISORDER. By that I mean I continously disassociate into these different versions of myself, so before I called myself an all or nothing person because I had never put in the work to understand why I have certain behaviours or why I enjoy some of the things that will slowly kill me. Until now, see this kinda all started with me getting excited thinking about my 30th birthday. Like DAMN my 3rd decade in this lifetime and I mean its not like I haven’t gone through my fair share of life experiences. And I have really fallen into reflecting as to where my life is at these days.
So I remember hating my teenage years, now I have matured a bit since but my teenage years still bring a bit of sadness to remember how hard it was but now understand it was building a foundation to be able to endure what was coming next. My 20’s have been a FUCKING WHIRLWIND!! I have had some amazing things happen to me in my 20’s, I found the love of my life, I discovered and started to love some truths of mine and my past stopped hurting me. That has been one of the best achievements I think. I used to talk about my teens all the time proving that there was still un finished business in my healing process there and now when I feel that telling some of my stories is appropriate…I kinda say it with pride. Cause hell look at me now!
ALSO in my 20’s I have faced some of the hardest changes, truths and injustices that I hope to ever face in my lifetime. These hard lessons broke me a few times, like to a scary level. To a reality that I never thought would be mine, taking me to a place that giving up almost seemed like the best option. Some of these situations changed who I am as a person forever, and some of these consequences I will carry for the rest of my life. But the GREATEST part of my 20’s is that I really tried to live. Like I made progress in my own personal growth and killed some really bad habits. I discovered new parts of who I am that were never there and well I tried things I never in my life imagined I would. I have now experiences some seriously big world history events life a flood and a pandemic. Like just really looking over the last 10 years and seeing where I started as to where I am finishing off. And I am coming out of it proud, hopeful and grateful. I have met some people that I will carry on forever in my life and people who are definitely on my kill list. But thats a conversation for another day, the sociopath in Mar has been out for a while!
But between yesterday and today I have kinda found my middle ground in a sense, I don’t get to have the inner temper tantrums and then complain why I don’t achieve it. I don’t get to complain about something without giving a solid effort into changing it. I don’t get o be judgemental and then care when others judge me I mean hello! I would judge me too…look at me!! (New selfie to come ❤❤❤) But the biggest lesson I have learned through all of this is that I don’t get to complain about where I am at in life without holding myself accountable to the decisions I have made. If i expect to hold others to that standard then its time for me to practice what I preach and well just care enough to at least try before saying I couldn’t! I get treated like a queen by the man I have, now yes he fucks up but I mean what man doesn’t! So I deserve to love myself as much as he loves me and show him just how much I love him!

It was amazing to update you all again, stay tuned to what the future brings. Blessed be motherfuckers!!!

Published by La brujita Marii

A little witchy, a little bitchy. Married to the human that makes my soul complete. On a journey to self-actualization which leads me to have a lot to say. Fur mom to 2 big shepards boys and a itty bitty fiesty kitty. Working towards a career that with fulfill the purpose I was put on this world for. The rest you find out as you read. Blessed be motherfuckers!

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