It only has to be temporary

The uncomfortable doesn’t need to stay you just need to feel it. This is what I was trying to learn this weekend. I wasn’t doing good right after the new moon. I felt my anxiety come back, my desire to isolate from everyone. The thoughts that feed into my fears, ugh my fears. I hate them so much because my whole life I believed they were a sign of weakness. Now I know that my fears it what makes me more powerful. I always wanted to believe that but I never did and now I make learning how to believe that. See my fears is what brings out the person in me that has been hurt or broken by those things. Thats the person who is writing right now, and I used to hate her, I used to never show her. But she needs to understand that it doesn’t have to stay, the fear may come back each time but the more I tell myself its okay the less scary it will seem the next time. I understand that the next time is a reality in life, but it only has to be temporary. In the past I would feed into my fears almost to provoke the anxiety to come on, my loved ones showed they cared then. All I have wanted is to have people show me they care, tell me they care and make me believe it to be true. Seeing that now brings out some shame, brings out a little embarrassement but at the same time feels really good to admit it to myself. Because I really don’t want to be that person anymore. I fear of putting in the hard work and then failing, failing was something that I wasn’t allowed to do growing up, so I would lie. SO much easier! But what I didn’t realize is that created a pattern and a really bad habit. I stopped trying to accomplishment anything, so because I don’t try and build the fear of achieving it. So my biggest fear is achieving what I want because then what, I fear trying to put it the effort and then it doesn’t work. Every friendship i have put effort into ends up failing. I can see further then whats in front of me and I am just learning how to see again it feels like. So I keep doing the things that scare me, like going to an interview that I have zero experience in, like dying my hair and not caring what people percieve me like, like enjoy some of the extra money I have and still making sure everything is taken care of, like taking the dogs to the big dog park. Its true that I was broke in Decemeber of 2019 but going into my 30th birthday and 2 years from my life changing forever…I see the most truest soul coming out. She is coming out with hiccups of course but she is insight now, and I didn’t even know that was what I needed. But I needed to hear myself, and those that love me, I am starting to let myself be uncomfortable to be able to let that broken girl heal some more….she will always need healing but she gets stronger everytime.
Blessed be motherfuckers✌

Published by La brujita Marii

A little witchy, a little bitchy. Married to the human that makes my soul complete. On a journey to self-actualization which leads me to have a lot to say. Fur mom to 2 big shepards boys and a itty bitty fiesty kitty. Working towards a career that with fulfill the purpose I was put on this world for. The rest you find out as you read. Blessed be motherfuckers!

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