CHANGE AINT SO SCARY

XOXO

the one thing i have never been good at is confidence. no it did not just choose that because of the quote, but it works! I HAVE BEEN THE QUEEN OF FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT BUT THE TRUTH IS THAT I BELIEVED MY OWN LIE. I HAVE ALWAYS PUT UP THIS HUGE FRONT ABOUT HOW TOUGH I AM, NOW IM NO PUSSY BY ANY MEANS BUT I AM NOT AS CONFIDENT AS I HAVE BEEN PRESENTING TO PEOPLE MY WHOLE LIFE. I HAVE A BOLD PERSONALITY FOR SURE, I DO HAVE A PRETTY COLD PERSONA BUT WITH A KIND STREAKS. NOW I AM NOT AFRAID OF PEOPLE BECAUSE WELL FIGHTING FIRST AND THINKING SECOND HAS ALWAYS BEEN MY HUMAN NATURE. BUT I HAVE BEEN BROKEN, AND WELL SCARED OF ABSOLUTLEY EVERYTHING. THAT OVER TOUGH AND VULGAR PERSONA WAS SUPER EASY TO MASK HOW LOW I THINK OF MYSELF, AND HOW MUCH WELL I HAVEN’T LOVED MYSELF. I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THE ONE THAT DRAWS ATTENTION TO MYSELF BECAUSE I GET A HIGH FROM PEOPLES ENERGIES THEY GIVE OFF WHEN THEY DON’T KNOW WHAT TO THINK ABOUT YOU. NOW I FIND PEOPLE QUITE ENTERTAINING, WHICH I AM SURE MANY SAY ABOUT ME AS WELL!! BUT OVER THE LAST 4-5 MONTHS I WOULD SAY, I HAVE REALLY DUG DEEP INTO MY OWN EMOTIONS AND THOUGHT PROCESS AND HAVE COME TO HAVE A WAYYYY BETTER UNDERSTAND OF MYSELF.
NOW I STILL HAVE MY DAYS THAT I FALL RIGHT BACK INTO OLD THOUGHT PROCESS’ AND HABITS BUT FOR THE MOST PART THEY ARE FOR A VERY SHORT PERIOD TIME. THESE LAST 5 DAYS I DISSASOCIATED QUICK AND FAST! I HAD BEEN COMING TO AND OUT UP TO 3 TIMES IN A DAY AND IM A TELL YOU THAT FUCKING SUCKS!! BUT NOW I SEE IT WAS MY HIGHER SELF FUCKING FIGHTING MY EGO HARD. SO I DECIDED TO MAKE A CHOICE *QUE THE QUOTE* HAHA. AND NOW MY CHOICE WAS TO PUT IN THE WORK FOR ME AND FOR MY FAMILY.
MY CHOICE WAS TO SHIFT THE TALK IN MY HEAD AS TO WHY I AM DOING WHAT I AM DOING. I WANT SO BADLY TO FEEL LIKE I CAN SHOW ON THE OUTSIDE WHO I AM ON THE INSIDE AND NOW I AM STARTING TO FEEL THAT TASTE OF CONFIDENCE AND ITS AT FIRST A BITTER SWEET BUT NOW I KIND OF WANT IT TO BE MY MAIN DRUG. SO HERE IS MY CHANCE STAGE BECUASE I KNOW I HAVE STARTED SEEING THEE CHANGE BUT I HAVE A VERY LONG WAY TO GO BEFORE I FEEL LIKE I HAVE EVOLVED INTO THE PERSON I HAVE MEANT TO BE. ITS MY CHOICE TO SAY WHO I AM IN THE WORLD. BLESSED BE MOTHERFUCKERSS ✌

Published by La brujita Marii

A little witchy, a little bitchy. Married to the human that makes my soul complete. On a journey to self-actualization which leads me to have a lot to say. Fur mom to 2 big shepards boys and a itty bitty fiesty kitty. Working towards a career that with fulfill the purpose I was put on this world for. The rest you find out as you read. Blessed be motherfuckers!

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