The Past can really be the PAST!

So last year I dreaded for December 13 to come, like I mean I cried for about 7 days leading up to it. And it felt like a my heart broke again when the day hit. So now fast forward for 2 years from this date, AKA yesterday LOL. A few day’s ahead I became aware the 13th was coming up, I think there was one that I really struggled emotionally but it wasn’t anticipating the day coming up but like feeling the hurt of the memories I had leading up to that day. Then yesterday came around, and I went a little numb at first and then disassociated to be able to think through what I was feeling. I can’t do both when it comes to dealing with my traumas, its my blessing and curse but a part of me nonetheless. I re-played the events of that day the best I could, which meant that some details were fuzzy, which to me is a good sign. See I have shit memory except for when it comes to the things that caused me the highest of emotion good or bad. So the fact that I couldn’t do a visual play by play like last year meant that some healing had happened over this year. So gave myself credit for that one! So first my anxiety kicked in, that trusty, tingly, shaky, cold chill that I developed due to this day. Okay what was I anxious about? What was I holding onto today that was accurate to my life right now as opposed to 2 years ago. BAM the anxiety started to fade a bit.
Then it was like blind rage. Clenching my fists so hard I thought my nails were gonna go right through. My head went straight to I didn’t deserve this, how could he, nothing justifies this, he doesn’t deserve to be forgiven, that was all I needed to finally be done. Then I remembered the amount of things I lost because of him. Like when I say this changed my life forever I was not kidding in any slightest. He was still the fight I lost. Was that REALLY WHAT I WAS SO MAD ABOUT?! Now I understand the level my juvenile brain can get to but it wasn’t that cause I didn’t feel like a sore loser, No. Fighting in itself is something I have prided myself in for numerous of years for reasons I am proud of. But in this particular fight it wasn’t that I couldn’t win but it was a situation that I was not ALLOWED to win. If I had won the outcome would have ended tragically for me and my future and my husband. I now realize that is something that angered me because I wasn’t in control. I have been working towards a lifestyle where I can have more control over my life. BAM the anger started to fade a bit.
Now came on the one that I honestly handle the worst and takes the longest for me to work through. I felt so sad, at first I thought it was hurt but then was like….nope it was just legit sadness. So time to ask “Okay Mar’s last go round and we can do this what exactly are you not wanting to let go of that is keeping you so sad. Is it the fact that things won’t be the way they used to be ever again. Now granted I don’t refer to the bad, but I mean the really good time. There was still lot of those. Was it that I lost something and someone I never really believed I would. Even though I said all my life that this was exactly what I wanted. Was it because I no longer hid anything so I am not seen the same way anymore by those I love. Sure my loved ones have always said that I never show that I do or care but I have now realize its due to the fact that they never really knew who I was. Shit those are all right, now yes I have told myself this is okay. I am allowed to feel this way, no one is allowed to tell me how to deal with my life when it comes to how I heal. I am not a simple person and my way works for me and I am just learning to deal with it the more and more my way…if that makes sense? So now what?
I was legit fucking stuck, I don’t know how to challenge being sad, my reason are valid. Everything I have learned has reinforced that you are allowed to be sad and deal…Bingo okay what does “DEAL” mean? How long is the right time to stay sad? How long do you give yourself the okay before its like time to stop feeling what is not there no more. So I started to ask myself what I thought my day to day life would be like if I wasn’t sad. And right there I realized I wasn’t able to answer right away, but I’m stubborn so I thought about it. And what i described was what I already do on my “good days”. So then I was like shit how do I make those days happen more and more and there a fell in a blackhole of realizing learned emotions about not being allowed to have self-care things. Definitely got a little brain lost in that black hole of run on thoughts. BUT even though that was a learned environment emotion, its not my environment right now. I am now in a position where I am encouraged to find a bigger love for myself, and embrace my self care things, and that they don’t have to be on a schedule or when someone else says so. I live a life where I am working to have the freedom to achieve my self care. OKAY so why the constant cycle back….if I am not sad…well then I am happy. But I have told myself I don’t know how to be happy…FUCK THATS IT. Being sad is a comfort, not a nice one but one none the less. I have always felt from when I was little and it weighed heavy on me but that weight isn’t around anymore so am I scared to be happy because then what? BINGO I found the self sabotage cycle .
So today instead of thinking about how to be happy, I just kinda let myself feel what ever it was that I needed to and right now writing the end of this blog. I feel happy. Things aren’t easy but they are my things, they are the things that make me happy, they are things that give me butterflies.
Don’t give up on butterflies guys, they always can come around when you let them.
Blessed be motherfuckers💜

Published by Marii

Hey hey hey! I am a Bruja (Hispanic witch healer), a certified Intuitive Life Coach, and a online network marketer. I am married to the love of my life, we are both large advocates in the LGBTQ+ community as he is a transman and I identify as a pansexual. I promote an spread mental health awareness; from the knowledge I gained in my studies, as well as, my personal life experiences! I am an open book with a lot to say, so lets connect. Stay blessed!

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