I AM PROOF

If I had the chance to talk to Mar ten years ago, I would tell her ”It will get worse but then BAM before you know it things will start to talk to you very clearly. This is how I feel now, like the first thought that goes through my mind is…”I am so glad I lived long enough to live this life now.”
I mean the amount of times I was sure that I was ready to die or kill myself, it truly is a miracle what I see in the mirror every day. It took the biggest mental break down of my life to happen back in December 2019 to open up the doors for me to find myself. Now full disclosure, there is still a lot of healing that needs to happen from it, but now I can see why it happened. Then in 2021 the biggest change in my life was going to happen, forcing me to finally see who Mariamanda is. I was introduced to the true soul of the person I chose to spend the rest of my life with.
My father breaking what I knew about my childhood gave me the opportunity to figure out what I believed in. Lee coming out as transgender gave me a safe space to work through my sexual abuse trauma in my young years. Now I don’t have all my answers yet but I finally see some of the light that I remember thinking was only a dream when I was young. Like being 14 years old crying to my mom because I didn’t understand where I fit in this world. To now working towards understanding my purpose in this lifetime. Or hiding my booze, getting drunk in religion class, and playing it off like I am sick. To having a healthy awareness about my addiction disorder and continuously finding ways to not abuse any substance anymore. When I was raped at 13, I told myself I would never trust a man. Then my father beat me with a stick to the point of having to go to the hospital at the age of 28, and I couldn’t even be alone in most men’s presence. And now my husband is teaching me the type of man I had always wished to have in my life.
I have started on a personal growth journey that has opened my eyes in a way I never thought was possible. I am learning things about myself I never would have know where to start to understand. I have a love that I wish for everyone to have one day. I didn’t think you could unconditionally love someone what didn’t share your blood. Lee and I have gone through so many challenges but the one thing that was never hard was loving each other. We have been able to grow into our true authentic selves side by side! Now could I have gotten so lucky…well because I am a good person. I am a caring person but it shows in my way, not how most perceive it.
I can finally say that I am my own proof that people can change for the better. In my past I did everything with the intention of gaining at someone else’s expense; Or finding the easiest way to get what I want with minimal effort. Now, I am hyper aware of my intentions behind what I say and what I do. Yes they are for my benefit or the benefit of my loved ones, but I am not taking anything from anyone in the process. I may still have a bit of a procrastinating habit, but now understand that anything I want to achieve I need to work for and the universe will provide.
Blessed be motherfuckerz!

Published by La brujita Marii

A little witchy, a little bitchy. Married to the human that makes my soul complete. On a journey to self-actualization which leads me to have a lot to say. Fur mom to 2 big shepards boys and a itty bitty fiesty kitty. Working towards a career that with fulfill the purpose I was put on this world for. The rest you find out as you read. Blessed be motherfuckers!

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